


amor fati

by ipomea



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Ending, Biting, Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Frottage, Hate Sex, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:15:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28778127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ipomea/pseuds/ipomea
Summary: In which Sam loses the game.(endgame spoilers)
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	amor fati

**Author's Note:**

> Somethin' that was rattling around the brain for a while. Yeah, I usually like them tender but sometimes you just want pain. Ty @catafalque for editing as usual

Amelie hangs near, shrouded in a pattern of black thread hanging from the sky. After all this time, Sam’s managed to meet her on the Beach, but it’s not that easy. He’s locked into a fistfight with Higgs, who will not go down as they wade through waves of black tar and exchange blows with gritted teeth. Higgs mumbles unfinished curses and his usual empty platitudes, which only makes hate run through Sam’s blood. He throws in complaints of his own, things that don’t have anything to do with the man he’s driving his fists into.

It catches him completely off guard when Higgs reaches to wrap his arms around him, almost in a mockery of an embrace. His grip is smothering, despite the fact that they’re both starting to lose the ability to stand upright. Sam shakes him off not long after, catching the other with an uppercut that sends him stumbling backward. As soon as Higgs regains his balance, his hands are around Sam’s neck, clamping down like a vice. Sam tries to pry them free, but it’s too much effort with the lack of oxygen. His arms fall limply at his sides, and the only thing keeping him upright is Higgs’ firm grip.

With one last vicious squeeze, Higgs lets go. Sam opens his eyes below the waves, and he can almost make out a vague sense of alarm in Higgs' distorted expression as the other man reaches in to pull him out by the armpits. His feet drag along the coarse sand, and through the last dregs of his consciousness, he can feel the texture of the rubble through his boots. He can't even begin to process when Higgs drops him off on dry land so that he doesn't drown.

Higgs is gasping for air next to him. Even though Higgs won the game, he'd taken quite the beating himself.

"You…stupid—" Higgs stops to hack a wet cough of either blood or tar. "You were supposed to win."

* * *

Sam wakes up, and whether it's the next day or the next century, he can't tell. He gets up abruptly despite the aching pain all over his body to scan his environment. He's still on the same unfamiliar Beach, scattered with dead marine life and black waters. Amelie is gone. The spider web has been cut loose, and her curled-up form is missing. He stares out before him in some vague attempt to search for her, and all he finds is a vast and empty sea with no trace left behind. All he finds is Higgs Monaghan lying beside him in the corner of his periphery.

"Why are you still here?" he grumbles, half in annoyance, half in surprise.

"Oh, bless your poor innocent heart, Samuel," Higgs drawls through a shit-eating grin. "But there's a reason why we're on my Beach and not yours. Why do you think I waived my powers?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Look, I'll be the first to admit I got lost in the push and pull we had going on," he says, a small tinge of mirth in his voice. "But I placed victory right into your hands, and you let it slip through your fingers. It's a terrible shame, really. I even put together a little surprise for when you returned. But hey, don't look so down. Maybe I'll tell you about it when I get bored."

Sam can barely parse what he's said. He can hear, of course—the sound of Higgs makes vibrate in his eardrums but stops there because it doesn't make any sense.

"Cut the shit. Just tell me where Amelie is."

_ "Well,"  _ Higgs hums, holding the  _ L _ long enough to make Sam's blood boil. "The Extinction Entity's gone, and she's used your Network to wipe out every last shred of life, thus fulfilling her destiny. So God's green Earth is a smoking crater, right about…now."

"Like hell she did," Sam scoffs. "You did something to her."

Higgs lets out a raucous cackle like it's the best joke he's ever heard.

"Couldn't do that if I tried. Can't touch an Extinction Entity, even on the Beach. Besides, I haven't left your side since our little tussle. It was supposed to be just me here. That's what we planned, but I won't complain about the company."

Sam doesn't respond to his last comment, nor does he to anything else. He just rubs at his temple and waits for Higgs to continue the rest of his monologue. 

"We don't choose our fate; it chooses us. And this is what she chose for us," Higgs stops to close his eyes and sniff at the saltwater. "Ahh, beautiful, isn't it?"

"I lost. So kill me."

Whether or not Sam truly wants to die, he doesn't know. Maybe it's been a silent desire his entire life that he's never been able to fulfill due to his condition. But there's nothing left to live for anymore if everything he knows is gone—if  _ Lou _ is gone.

"I ain't gonna kill you. We've got an eternity to spend here, and being with you is better than being alone."

Wordlessly, Sam pulls himself over Higgs' body and gets his hands around his neck. If Higgs won't kill him, then this is what he has to do. Higgs swallows thickly, and Sam can feel the slide of the other’s Adam’s apple under his fingers as they start to dig in. Higgs' eyes go wide, almost as if they might bulge out of his skull. But he doesn't look scared at all, nor does he try to stop it. He lays back, smiling wildly in reverence, while his skin starts to flush and waits.

When Sam sees his own face reflected in the glassy cornflower mirrors below him, he's almost horrified by what he's doing. Panic starts to wrack his mind and his body as his grip goes slack. Higgs is right. He's absolutely right; being stranded here all alone is far worse than the alternative. The slight burn of exertion on his fingertips remains as he collapses beside Higgs, feeling numb and far away from himself. Loud coughs and wheezes filter in from beside him, punctuated by a small choke of a laugh.

"Yeah, good fucking luck killing yourself if you do me in. Drowning's your only option, and that one's hard to pull off. Believe me, I know."

Sam doesn't answer. It's all silent until he notices something dripping down his blood-caked cheek. He thinks of Lou and the bond they'd just forged. How it felt like it was something that could last forever, and once all of this was over, he'd live out the rest of his days with her. He tucks his shaky chin into his chest and wipes his eyes as soon as he remembers Higgs is still there.

"Shit, you crying?" Higgs asks, almost as if there's real concern in his voice despite Sam's attempt on his life minutes earlier.

"I found a reason to live," Sam's voice crackles dry in his throat. "And that's gone now. Everything is."

Sam can't even tell why he's admitting this to Higgs, of all people, but it comes out before he has time to think. The man shuffles and sets himself up on his side to peer over at him. 

"Well, that's how life is, ain't it? Once you've grasped what you want, it slips out of your hands."

Higgs offers his hand like an olive branch, and Sam doesn't know what to do with it. He doesn't even know what Higgs wants from him. A handshake to signify that all is forgiven? If that's what he wants, he's not going to get it.

"Stop trying to relate to me."

"I don't  _ have _ to try, Sam. We're exactly the same, you and I," Higgs says as he takes his hand back in exaggerated disappointment.

"How the fuck are we the same?"

"We share the same connection to your dear old sister. Grasping for her like blind men, trying to block out her true nature 'cause she made us feel _ special,"  _ Higgs shakes his head. "Even though we were nothing but pawns to her, right from the very moment we were born."

Sam drapes his forearm over his eyes because the light above them has become too much. 

"What? Can't handle the truth?" Higgs laughs. "I know it ain't easy, but this is what it's all been building up to—nothing."

_ Nothing.  _ Sam pictures what the world might look like in his mind's eye. An event even more deadly and catastrophic than the Death Stranding, something that could wipe all of humanity out in one fell swoop. A series of explosions taking the lives of all the people he had reached out and connected with after ten years of self-imposed isolation. And the worst part of it is he'd unknowingly set it all up himself.

"I used to be just like you once upon a time, thinking it was my duty to fix humanity and make it  _ whole _ again," Higgs clicks his tongue. "'Til I realized it's all for naught. She helped me see that."

"My old man was just like her, told me all the same shit, and I hated him for it. Hated him so much I made it my life's work to prove him wrong. But he ended up being right all along," Higgs chuckles before continuing. "He used to lay it on thick with me ever since I was three or four, thereabouts. Through screams, his fists, and broken beer bottles. But I guess that was his way of showing love."

There's nausea building in the core of Sam's stomach as Higgs speaks because he sounds calmer than he should be while recounting something so horrific. The way Higgs puts it, he makes it sound like he'd deserved such treatment as a child. A part of him almost starts to feel bad for him, for this man he's hated for so long. He tries to shake it, but the feeling sticks like glue to the edges of his consciousness.

"Your mother," Higgs turns his head to search for Sam's eyes. "She didn't much care for you either, did she? She tried, sure, but she couldn't quite do it."

"Shut up," Sam spits where Higgs hits him deep. "Just shut up."

"I'll take that as a yes. She couldn't bear to look at you, huh?" Higgs smirks knowingly. "All she found in you was guilt in herself."

Sam can't bear to look at him any longer, so he turns over, too exhausted to care about what Higgs might do if he leaves himself open. It's better than listening to the man speak.

"Struck a nerve, hm? Well, I'll let you catch some shuteye, then."

Sleep is far off with the endless spiral of thoughts in his mind, but Sam stays perfectly still and pretends anyway. If anything, it's to stop Higgs from getting too close.

* * *

Higgs is gone the next time Sam comes to. It doesn't take long to find him, though. As soon as Sam sits up, he can make out the lanky silhouette ahead of him. His bare skin is a pale white against the black waves of an endless sea. Sam just sits back and watches Higgs wade through the waves with his eyes closed, and it might be the most peaceful and subdued he's ever seen the man.

After some time, Higgs opens his eyes to meet Sam's, and the spell is broken. Higgs jerks upwards and moves to cover himself, like he's embarrassed by what Sam might see on his body. Sam's fast enough to see catch hints, though; long stripes of scars down his torso that are too large to hide all at once. Strangely, Higgs gives up on trying to get dressed as if he knows Sam's already seen too much. Then he comes closer, his olive green jumpsuit dipping below his jagged hipbones on the verge of slipping and falling down altogether.

There's nothing above or below them. The Seam can't exist anymore with nowhere for it to lead to, either. The shore of this Beach is only lapping waves that serve to shift the sand. So when Higgs straddles Sam, he doesn't move. He doesn't throw the punch to throw him off. It would be so easy—a decent deck to the jaw and Higgs would be knocked off to the side. But he can't bring himself to do it.

A tongue forces its way into Sam's mouth like something slimy and alive, pushing his own far back into his mouth. He has no intention of reciprocating, but he lets it happen. He lets Higgs map out his teeth with the point of his tongue, listening to the pleased sound breathed into his mouth. Higgs is shifting over his crotch now, and Sam hates that he's stirring from the friction, hates it even more when Higgs catches on and goes at it harder.

Once Higgs seems comfortable and off his guard, Sam shoots up to knock him over. He rolls over onto him, hands pinning him down on his shoulders. Higgs just laughs, his icy blue eyes glinting with something maniacal and dark.

"I've been waiting for you to do this," Higgs rasps shakily, reaching up to caress Sam's jaw. "Ever since I first met you."

Sam bats away his hand, grabbing him by the wrist and holding it up above his shoulder. Higgs lifts his jaw upward, smirking as he watches Sam reach down to unzip himself. He makes a face like something's flickered over his tongue, but for some reason or another, he holds the thought in. It's better that way; they don't need words here. All they need is sensation and the sound of sand shifting underneath their bodies.

All Sam needs to do is yank Higgs' jumpsuit down below his cock, sliding his palm down over scars and sparse hair. He takes Higgs in his fist, apprehensive at first until he realises it's too late to back out now. His own cock rubs against Higgs', sliding into his grip as leaking precum provides the slick needed to start stroking the both of them. Sam lifts his head to look Higgs in the eye, and the other man’s mouth gapes open as he angles his hips to grind up against Sam's cock.

Whatever this is, it feels right and wrong all the same. It feels like something Sam's wanted to do for a long time, entirely unbeknownst to his own desire. He knows it's not going to last long; they're both breathing like their lungs are oxygen-starved. Higgs sounds broken and delirious as he shudders and comes in repulsive splashes between them. He's half-laughing, half-choking, writhing underneath Sam like he's having a fit. Sam's not far after, groaning deep in the back of his throat as his orgasm rocks his body.

Sam leans down, cupping Higgs' face to press their lips together. It's all scrapes of teeth and butting noses, and Higgs sounds like he's crying. He might be, but Sam can't see; all he can feel is wetness rubbing at his cheek. Sam takes Higgs' thin bottom lip in his mouth, biting down hard with the point of his canines until copper hits his tongue. The metallic taste fills his mouth, and Higgs only laughs something crazy and kisses back, because this is all they have.


End file.
